Breakdown and Cry

May 24, 2006 krissything 

Two employments later, this is me… Last Sunday I suffered from breakdown. I could not stop myself from crying and all of a sudden all my problems, big and small started surfacing in my brain. It was almost three in the afternoon and I was taking a nap after my Sunday Service and a congee meal, the only thing I can eat after the monthly adjustments of my braces. I was half asleep when Vivi, my sister informed me she was leaving and was going to spend the night in her classmate’s house for a group study.Their exams were to be held the next day and she did not know how to compute equations by herself. The thought of me being alone for the night brought me into a state of alarm that even though my eyes were still closed, my heart was racing. I did not want to be by myself that day. I was asking my sister questions to keep her from going but she really had to leave. Just when she closed the door, I tried to sleep and just forget about it. It took about a minute before I started crying. I sat up in my bed and cried uncontrollably. I cried so hard I almost vomitted. I couldn’t understand why, there wasn’t one specific reason but I felt so heavy inside. Then my face was starting to get numb. Soon my head was starting to get numb too and it was spreading into my arms and my upper body. At some point, I found it hard to breathe. When I tried to calm myself down, the numbing only gets worse as if somebody was holding my head and pressing it against his hands. I realized I was hyperventilating (I suffered the same thing once back in High School). I couldn’t slow down my breathing to a normal pace because there was nobody around to pattern my breathing with. I wanted to call my Mom and just when I picked up the phone, it started ringing. Jeff was calling. I was so relieved to see his name flashing in my phone and to hear the ringtone that plays when he calls. But I still couldn’t stop crying hysterically. I’m vaguely sure he found me weird but I’m certain he was really worried. I don’t know if what I was saying then was audible at all. He told me he was in Pampanga so I realized I had to call someone else fast or else I’d faint. I called Vivi and she was starting to panic too, but she can’t go home because she’ll fail the exams if she spent the night studying alone. I realized I had no one else to call so I just sat there still crying. I called up my Mom but since she’s away, she couldn’t really do anything. It was incredible how fast Jeff got back to Manila, and he told me he’d go with me to see a doctor right away. I was so relieved.

I didn’t realize how emotional I am until now. I know that my problems are no bigger than most people’s, but they affect me so much. Especially when it concerns my future. I’m always afraid that I might be a weakling career-wise because I give up when the going gets tough. I haven’t really resolved this issue within myself but I trust my parents when they say it’s too much. I have no choice but to believe them because I can’t bear with my work anymore. I find so little satisfaction in all the hard work and long hours I spend working.

I also realized that I have been so overworked that my well-being is already sacrificed.

And I realized that I have been denying myself the happiness I feel when I’m with Jeff for a really long time. Or at least for longer than I can bear. And I can only take so much. Tomorrow I’ll be filing my resignation.